Cavs Board

“Rick Mahorn is responsible for the greatest moment in the history of women’s athletics.”

Yep. I just said that.

And is there any reason why you’d question me after last night’s brawl between the Los Angeles Sparks and the Detroit Shock at the end of a WNBA game?

I’m talking about the WNBA!!! Hold on to something, because I, like Josh Childress and his huge deal with Olympiakos, am about to break new ground.

Perhaps a statistical breakdown? Maybe a recap of a crucial game?

Nope. How bout a chick fight?

Soak that video in. Just let yourself be engulfed by the sweet footage of Desomething Milton-Jones punching Rick Mahorn in the back. Marvel at a chest bump that was initiated with Candace Parker on the ground. Watch the video on loop as Cheryl Ford hurts herself playing peacemaker and Rick Mahorn gets the “you’re gonna hit me?” look on his face post-back punch. Somewhere Don Imus is preparing himself for one of the most uncomfortable recaps of the day’s sports news since he last got himself fired.

I could talk about how sad it is to see a “professional” Detroit team in yet another huge brawl, but I’m not going to pretend to be outraged. This was the single greatest moment in the history of women’s athletics. Thanks Rich Mahorn. Like Kermit Washington before him, I think in twenty years we’ll be reading a book by Feinstein entitled “The Awkward Stumble to the Floor” and the cover art will showcase Leslie falling over in a manner reminiscent of a newborn giraffe.

Sure, some purists would argue that watching Mary Lou Retton win a gold, or watching Billie Jean King triumph over a man had some sort of emotional significance. But what gets the blood boiling more than a girl fight?

Aside: While on the subject of Billie Jean King, I remember reading a quote from the New York Times that was printed in the follow-up to Billie Jean King’s triumph over a former men’s Wimbledon champion in 1973 . It said, “King’s win helped validate the idea that women could hang in there, not just on the tennis court, but on the job or in the home.”

Count me amongst those who laugh their ass off when an athletic triumph lumped amongst the top achievements in women’s athletics is summed up as “hanging in there”. I dumped vinaigrette on my crotch yesterday and walked around with a greasy stain that appeared to the untrained eye as if I’d pissed my pants. That’s hanging in there. I guess I should rank #3 on the all-time greatest achievements in women’s athletics. Is there any question that if that writer was working for the Times today, he would be run out of a job by some activist group of man-hating lesbians for that quote?

Back to Malace at the Palace 2! Before I go and legitimize David Stern’s bastard child by gracing it with my “word art”, I have to exercise due diligence and question what I witnessed. Call me a conspiracy theorist, but did Lisa Leslie take a dive? I know what you’re saying. “The fight was spontaneous. How could it be rigged?” Let’s look at the relevant facts.

1. There were three former NBA players (Bill Laimbeer, Michael Cooper, and Rick Mahorn) involved. We all know that the NBA has a tendency to fix things.
2. Am I to believe that Lisa Leslie, one of two women who’ve dunked in the WNBA, is so uncoordinated as to get knocked down by the minimal contact Rick Mahorn initiated? I smell a flop.
3. Where was the hair pulling? I know these women have their hair up for the most part, but I’ve watched my fair share of Internet cat fights, and without fail, they all share two traits. Hair pulling, and someone getting kicked in the head while balled up on the ground post-hair pulling. In the best videos, someone’s boob pops out. There was none of that last night. (Editor’s note: I like boobs as much as the next guy, but the real joy in seeing the “boob out” fight is that it signals that point where a woman has crossed the threshold of “maintaining her dignity” to being totally invested in the fight at hand. If your boob is out there, and you plow ahead, well then you’re “in it to win it” as they say.)

So enjoy it. Talk about it at the water cooler. Try to re-enact it (minus shoving a girl on the floor). There will be suspensions I’m sure. But you can’t suspend the unbridled love of women’s basketball that this man has on this the 23rd day of July, 2008.